unpublished diary entry: 10/3
School as usual. Still feeling hurt from V and S- if I don't resolve this will it continue forever? If I resolve every time does it make me a good person or a push-over? Is a friendship worth that? Haven't spoken to J. Feeling left out from everything, but is it my own fault? V has M, S has O (but they'll say they have their own problems), and of course, V and S always have each other. Will I always feel like this? I feel unsure of my faith, and unsure of my friends, and unsure of my abilities, and unsure of my worth (?). I've been accidentally self-isolating again. If I don't reach out to someone I won't talk to them. But no one reaches out to me? I'm so sick of my phone but I need it. Maybe when I turn 18 things will be better. (I said that about 17, and I said that about 16. The end does not seem in sight. )
I'm tired all the time. Sometimes I walk into a room on the verge of tears without knowing why. I think if I make eye contact with someone for too long I might break down. I've spent too much time in my room. I've spent too much time in front of a mirror can't stand my reflection now. Some nights I look at myself in the mirror and I dance and I put on makeup and I feel like I've never felt happier. Some nights I just cry.
I want to wipe it all away, go live in a new city where no one knows my name, reinvent my personality into whoever I want to be, meet brand new people and be a brand new person. I'll cut my hair, and get a job as a waitress, and work night shifts, and see people who love me throughout the week, and live up to my potential. Or not, it won't matter either way and people will know me despite it. I can't do this anymore.
I don't think it works like that though. I don't think you can run away from yourself.